If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
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Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”