My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
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*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work