I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
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One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1