Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
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OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.