I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
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I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.