When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
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Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
me when the borders lift
groan^2
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’