Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
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Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?