One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
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COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean