Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
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Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd