10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
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My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Bro what is this
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
My circle of trust is a meatball
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote