Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
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I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”