LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
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TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
grotesque if literal: baby food
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh