BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
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If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
This guy’s not having it 😆
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.