I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
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Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Thinking about Jeff
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
🤣😈🤣
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.