A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
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[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Ironic
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Tell the colonel to bring it
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*