What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
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A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
Morning my dudes.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.