[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
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Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
and this one
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*