Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
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the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.