The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
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44.65
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44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
Where’s my employee discount too?
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…