I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
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007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Hotels are back
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
seems like a niche market
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake