Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
You Might Also Like
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.