I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
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If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.