Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
You Might Also Like
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim