Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
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Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!