i installed a ceiling fan in my room
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Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.