Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
You Might Also Like
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.