This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
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Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.