Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
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My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.