Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
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‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”