Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
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Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
RT if you could go either way.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”