lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
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*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.