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How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing