me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
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The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.