I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
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9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
😂 amazing answer
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows