Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
You Might Also Like
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Did I do this right
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy