My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
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If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.