Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
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<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.