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so this horse walks into a bar
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.