I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
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If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Oh. My. God.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.