you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
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I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
New mindset, who dis?
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE