This hospital has everything
You Might Also Like
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
When you don’t understand how floors work
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
@Capt_Spanky’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward