Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
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The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.