If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
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My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
The days of good grammer has went
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???