I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
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Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
OKAY DAD
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.