My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
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Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this