99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
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Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
The first matador
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
this is the best day of my life
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question