Go girl power!
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TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Before & after 😅