You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
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“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice