[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
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My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys