Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
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[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Morning my dudes.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
watergate? u mean a dam??
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
i smell a pulitzer